I should have written this on Thursday when I got my results but in all honesty I didn’t know what to write, I still don’t.
I should get the facts over with first, as I said in my last post, I never know what I’m going to be told when I go for my results. I still feel really well, if anything I’m getting stronger physically. I’m sailing fairly regularly and recently sailed at the British Moth National Championships which I’ve missed for the last 2 years. It is 8 races over 4 days in windy conditions and before I went I didn’t think I’d manage all the races. But I completed all 8 (which is more than most did) and also didn’t fall out of my boat once (which is better than most did!), I quite impressed myself with my fitness. Also, I finally dragged myself to the gym this week as well and found that I was fitter than I expected and felt better for the experience. Mentally though, I think this fight is beginning to get to me.
So, what were the results? Essentially, there hasn’t been a lot of change since the last scan, the glands in my chest are evidently slightly larger than last time, however my cancer has now spread to my adrenal gland and there is a tiny trace (2mm) in one of my lungs. My cancer is still spreading but it is spreading relatively slowly.
I’ve got mixed feelings about this; I feel well and nothing much has changed in 3 months but there is a dawning realisation that I’m slowing the process down but not stopping it. At some point it is going to get me and it isn’t going to be pleasant. When that’s going to be, I don’t know, and that is the problem.
I’m actually tired of fighting my cancer; taking all the pills and potions every day, trying out various forms of quackery with effects that are difficult to measure or gauge, trying to stay positive whilst worrying that the slightest cough, sneeze or fart is the beginning of the end and wondering how long I have left to live. The last one of these is what is causing me the most problems as it prevents any sort of planning other than for my eventual death.
My venerable British Moth dinghy is now 33 years old (I’ve owned it for the last 25 years) and I have to admit that at this years nationals it was showing its age and there was no doubt that the new boats are faster (no matter how well they are being sailed!). I decided that I’d like to get a new one and see if I could get a few places up the pecking order with it, but I’m putting it off as I don’t know if I should be spending that sort of money on something I might only get one season out of.
My wife and I are discussing buying somewhere in Cyprus, where we holiday every year, so that we can spend a few months a year out there rather than a few days, but I can’t get enthusiastic about it, I don’t want to commit to something that long term. What’s the point?
I should really get my front teeth sorted out, they were smashed when I ended up chewing quarry tiles after my heart packed in a few years ago requiring the insertion of a pacemaker. One of them is turning black which is starting to look unsightly. But why bother if I only have months or so to live?
I’m also tired of the general indifference of the medical fraternity who seem to have little interest in my plight. Why isn’t it like House? Why don’t a team of interested experts sit round discussing my cancer at length until coming up with a radical method of treating it which miraculously works despite some people’s misgivings? Instead, I’ve had those three ineffective standards which are the only weapons available; surgery, radiotherapy & chemotherapy, also known in the alternative cancer treatment world as “cut, burn and poison”, followed by “sorry, that’s it”.
I was told I had a very rare form of skin cancer that rarely spreads, so double rare, so why is nobody in the medical profession interested in having a look at it? You would think that some sort of skin cancer specialist would be falling over themselves to observe a rare form of skin cancer. Unfortunately, cancer treatment is a numbers game, research is concentrated on those cancers that affect the largest numbers of people in order to try and reduce the embarrassingly large number of people who still die of cancer every year despite 70 years of research. Rare cancers are at the back of the queue.
I’m ranting now.
I don’t care, I feel better for it.